the 4th blog
I actually have 4 (four) bearblogs, all of which I've started in college. There's my poetry blog, my technical blog, and this blog. This blog was made as an offshoot of my poetry blog after i figured out I liked writing and posting poetry more than I liked blogging. What about the fourth blog?
The fourth blog was actually my first bearblog, which came about in my freshman year of college from a hallmate who suggested i should start a bearblog and start blogging. I overshared, and deleted a lot, and then decided that i'd enshittify the blog into a blog full of delusional ramblings. For that blog, the formatting was a literal wall of text with no line breaks, inconsistent and shitty punctuation usage, and an outright unreadable theme that was made intentionally painful to read.
At some point I gutted the blog and left it in the default bearblog theme, and unpublished all the rants except for the good ones. After all, the web scrapers caught up to it, and I believe it may have been archived, alongside identifying information (under a pseudonym but still.) That blog basically died once i exhausted my absolutely insane ramblings, and realized I had nothing more to say.
after enshittifying the blog, I started a new blog, which is my current poetry blog. I think at some point I will migrate the hidden posts here, though that's a project left for after graduation.
unrelated to that blog, I was assigned to write a chapbook as my senior project in my english class. I had some poem ideas in mind, but looking back a lot of those poems were kinda bad. A lot of it focused on the pain of being unable to transition, and the severe depression that left on me. It was somewhat cathartic, and those early poems happen to cover how i felt re: gender dysphoria quite well.
I was told to write 40 some poems, and a lot of the things in my current poetry come from then; especially longer form poetry, messing around with formatting, and thematically pairing several poems. Unfortunately a lot of those poems were uninspired filler, and after finishing the chapbook I had not developed a newfound love of poetry.
I do think those poems were critical to bridge the gap between hating any and all writing to choosing a career field that's writing intensive (science) and writing for fun. I didn't like it then, but at some point in 2024 i picked up poetry writing again. My earliest college poems appeared the summer going into my junior year, and from there I'd only write more as my mental health deteriorated and my chronic pain just got worse.
Physical chemistry II (thermodynamics and statistical mechanics) broke me. flat out pushed me into such severe despair and melancholy it took a year to recover the physical damage (weight gain from stress eating) and i'm still working on mental part. A lot of poetry written from February to May were tied to the anguish of a catastrophic death spiral of burnout, slipping academics, and just worsening pain.
There's at least 6 poems about my ex (i know you're reading this 👀) and all of them center around a deep yearning over not wanting what we had to end. I'm over her now, but we still chat and she reads my poetry.
The last two major poetry dumps were around November 2025 and Late March-early April 2026, the first was stress over grad school applications, and the second was honors thesis related stress. At that point, I'd be writing entirely for fun, and as a way to vent how I felt at the time.
Here's a list of my best poems. I really liked writing these, and they're all great at least in my opinion anyway.
I did realize that poetry is somewhat limiting, so after upgrading, I realized I could just start a blog to yap about technical subjects. being boxed into technical subjects still didn't make me happy, so here's a 3rd blog and now i've come full circle.
I'm back to blogging, like i first did, and now i'm doing it for fun. hopefully it lasts longer than my first attempt.