pills
blue pills
i used to be ignorant and docile
to conform without knowing a why
and living in a bubble of bliss
red pills
i used to be bitter and angry
at a world i once thought unjust
and had the audacity to think i was owed
black pills
i used to be nihilistic
because i had lost all meaning
and became trapped in a hell of my own making
pink pills
i used to be obsessive
knowing i was too late to change anything
and i descended into neuroticism and dysmorphia
=
there's no need for refills
the damage has already been done
physically and mentally
i don't want more pills to cope
ignorance is bliss after all
because the bitterness of knowledge
poisons the will and the soul
and leads to obsession over the impossible
i'm not even certain what's real anymore.
so many things have happened so fast yet so slowly
i've learned and i've forgiven and i've hoped and i've let go
but i carry scars from the experience
and i'm terrified of repeating past
mistakes and missteps
because deep down
i fear the return of the pain
=
and that's how i know i've grown
because where i once welcomed the pain
i've grown tired of her presence
and i know i can do better than to
stay in a zero-sum game with her
everything to gain
and nothing to lose
because for the 7 years
i've been shaped by pain
and i think its time
to set the bottles down
and keep walking into the sunrise
away from the knife's edge
away from the long quiet
away from the image boards
and into the real world